The Toast Attack
by L.C.Candle
Summary: What might happen if Bella became insane from sleep deprivation. Rotating POV, if anyone looses brain cells or suffers damage from laughter, L.C. Candle is NOT paying hospital bills. Sorry.
1. Toast meets Edward

**I know, this would is just really stupid but, but….I couldn't help it …Heh…I was influenzed by poor sleep deprived people. Okay? Lol. Just for fun and a good laugh. Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, except the Toast…**

_Bella's POV_

"No, Edward, I'm fine." I protested as he tried to coax me into sleeping. I was sitting on my bed, cross-legged with my arms folded. I hadn't slept soundly for some time, always worrying about the future.

Edward had grown tired of not hearing me talk in my sleep and my lame excuses for not taking a ticket to dream world. I didn't want to tell him my increasing fear of what would happen at the end of senior year. The vampires and the werewolves had made a treaty many years before I was born, the vampires could stay as long as they didn't bite a human.

And at the end of this school year (which was fast approaching) that treaty would be broken, because of me. I had no doubts about becoming a vampire though (Edward thought I did). I wanted to be 'damned to eternal darkness' more than anything, just so I would be with Edward forever.

So here I sat, racking my mind for another excuse not to sleep with Edward sitting in front of me, staring at me, trying to 'dazzle' me into sleeping.

"You know, Edward, it isn't going to work. I'm not even looking at your face." I pointed out, focusing on my closet door.

"Bella, please, you need your rest. If you don't sleep, I'm going to give you up to Carlisle." He threatened.

I furrowed my eyebrows together, I knew he would. He was beginning to think I had a case of insomnia, and needed medical attention. "That's okay, I'm good." I drummed my fingers on my arm, thinking of what to do. I raised my eyebrows and smiled evilly, oh I knew exactly what to do now.

"Should I be worried about the smile on your face?" Edward asked me, suspiciously.

"Maaaaybbeeeeee….." I gave him an innocent look and got up. "You know what…I'm kind of hungry….I'll be…right...back." I shifted my eyes and snuck downstairs.

I amazingly, only tripped over the rug twice and both times ended up falling on the soft pillows of the couch. I made my way to the kitchen, and once safely there—with no harmful carpet burns or scratches—I ransacked it for the bread.

"Muahaha…." I laughed evilly to myself, I was beginning to think that I was becoming insane with lack of sleep…Or maybe I just thought my evil idea was evilly brilliant.

I paused and stared at the bread. Nope, definitely the insane part.

I pulled out a piece of bread and shoved it in the toaster, when it popped back out, I went back to my room. I almost tripped on the last step, but before I hit anything, Edward had caught me. Good old Edward…

"Hiiiii….." I giggled, dashing into my room.

"Bella…Are you absolutely sure you don't need to see Carlisle?"

"Yeaaaahhh…." I said, feeling a wide smile spreading across my face. I stared at him, plotting, "Hey…Hey, Edward."

"Yes?"

I threw the toast I was hiding behind my back at him. It him squarely in the face. "THE TOAST IS COMING TO GET YOU EDWAAARRRDDD! THE TOAST IS COMING TO GEEEEETTT YOUUUU!!" I said, picking up the toast and waving it at him.

Edward dusted the crumbs off his shirt. "Never again. Next time I'm sending you straight to the Hospital." He said as I doubled over laughing.

**Yes. The TOAST. Toast is EEEVVVILLL. "THE TOAST IS COMING TO GET YOU REV IEWERSSS!! IT'S COMING TO GEEEET YOOOUUUU!!"**

_**The Tooast.**_


	2. Laughing Stock

**Couldn't help but continue this. It made me laugh. Yeah I know I botched Edward, shuddup. No, I'm not paying any hospital bills if you end up cracking your head on the floor when you fall out of your chair. Fine. Sue me. BE THAT WAY. I don't care…Wait…what? YOU'RE SUEING ME? No! I was just… I was KIDDING! Don't sue ;C (But I'm still not paying the hospital bill)**

_Edward's POV_

Two days without sleep and she attacks my face with a piece of toast. Honestly, I would have preferred a kiss instead of burnt bread. I left her asleep at home as her father was beginning to wake up. She'd curled up into a ball and held the toast in her hand as she slept.

Right after she had had her fun beating me up with the toast (which she had named Brandy.) she had fallen asleep. Several times she had lifted the toast and said, "The toast is coming to get you Edwaaarrrddd!!!" and waved the toast around frantically.

All in all, she was very, very, frightening tonight.

I was inside my home now, and as the door closed I heard a shrill cry that sounded much like Bella.

"THE TOAST IS COMING TO GEEET YOU EDDWAARRRDD!!" Alice yelled, creeping up on me from behind.

"Oh, shut up." I glared at her as she fell to the ground laughing.

"Edward's here!!" she said, smiling evilly.

"You told them didn't you?" I crossed my arms as everyone in the household appeared.

"Yes, yes I did. I thought it was cute, Edward!" there was a small pause, "CUTE THAT YOU GOT HIT SQUARE IN THE FACE WITH A PIECE OF TOAST!"

"Bella doesn't like you as much as I thought…" Jasper chimed in, laughing as well.

"Shut up the two of you! She was deprived of sleep." I defended myself against their increasingly annoying laughter.

Rosalie and Emmett, who had been restraining from laughing, suddenly burst into a fit of giggles which grew of course, to very hard laughter.

_Edward got hit by a piece of TOAST! _Rosalie thought.

_I don't know what we're laughing at but it sounds funny. _Emmett thought.

"Shut up Emmett, you don't even know what they're laughing about."

_Later at School_

Throughout the day my siblings had drawn pieces of toast and tossed them at me, along with randomly yelling, "THE TOAST IS COMING TO GET YOU EDWARD!" whenever I was nearby.

It was infuriating, I was a laughing stock to my family, and Bella.

"Do you understand what I mean when I say 'No good can come from sleep deprivation?" I asked her as we walked to lunch.

She giggled "It was funny and you know it."

"Sure. I'm a laughing stock. That's downright hilarious, Bella." I snapped, glaring at Mike who was walking in front of me.

_What's with Cullen and the toast thing? _He thought. _He's afraid of toast? Wow. Bella's dating a wimp. Maybe she'll get so tired of having a scardy-cat boyfriend she'll finally go out with me…_

"And, on a side note, I'm going to murder Newton."

"Oh please, Edward, you are so serious, can't even take a joke." Bella rolled her eyes and frowned at me.

"I can take a joke." I said.

"Right. Sure you can." She paused, "Oh, Edward?"

"Yes?" I waited for her to continue her speech on how I couldn't take a joke.

"…Just thought you should know that…THE TOAST IS COMING TO GET YOUUU! THE TOAST IS COMING TO GET YOU EDDWAARRRDD!!"

**Will there be a new chapter to the utter complete impossible idea of Edward becoming a laughing stock? Or not? DundunDUNNNN….**


	3. French Toast

**See? A new chapter. Are you happy now? X3 I would like to thank one of my reviewers—flippin sweet Twilight lover—for giving me the French Toast idea. BRILLIANT. Poor Edward...**

_Bella's POV_

I practically ran to the lunchroom, trying to escape Edward, something I thought I would never do. He was truly upset over the whole toast thing, which I found utterly hilarious really.

My vampire boyfriend was now afraid of toast because of me. Oh, I would never let it go. At the most random times I would probably wave toast in his face, just to get on his nerves. After all, what was a good relationship without a bit of teasing and taunting every now and then?

I suddenly found myself sitting next to Alice picking at some 'nice' Cafeteria food. I was staring at Edward, planning my next attack. Oh I was so mean to him, but it was so funny!

"Oh, Bella, look!" Alice waved her hand in the direction of Edward sitting across form us at a different table, "Look what you did to my brother."

"I know, I'm sorry Alice, I'll go apolo—" I began, I would've finished but Alice started to laugh.

"You want to…Hahahaha….Apologize…Ahahahahaa!"

I stared at her, confused, "What? You are all upset about him not talking to you, and he's all upset…so…I'm going to apologize." I stood up but Alice pulled me back down.

"No! I was being sarcastic, Bella." She blinked a few times and then said, "BRING ON THE FRENCH TOAST!"

I raised one eyebrow and glanced at Edward, I held out my hand for Alice to shake. I never thought it would happen, but it did. Alice and I were a team going against Edward with, toast, a very deadly weapon now.

Alice shook my hand, "It's a deal than."

I nodded. "If anything bad happens, I'm blaming you."

"Got it." Alice smiled wide and stared at Edward with an innocent look on her face.

It was going to get very messy, very soon.

_Edward's POV_

French toast. Bella and Alice were going to work evil on me with French toast. Oh, perfect. I was beginning to hate toast in general. I leaned back against the chair and analyzed Alice's innocent expression; she was blocking her thoughts from me by thinking about Jasper.

I twitched as a very visual image of Jasper came to mind.

"I didn't need to see that, Alice." I said.

_Oh I know, but that's what you get for trying to read my mind. Back off bucko. I've got work to do in this mind of mine. _She thought, her smile growing wider.

I noticed that Bella was looking back and forth between us, a worried expression on her face.

"Don't worry, Bella. Edward doesn't know what we're planning." I heard Alice mutter to Bella.

"I don't want to either." I said, knowing fairly well that she could hear me.

"He said he doesn't want to know either by the way, Bella." Alice translated.

_Hey, look, Cullen's sitting by himself, he looks pissed too. Oh yeah! Time to make my move on Bella, I bet they're going to break up soon…Oh, Jessica's talking...right…What is she jabbering about anyway?_ Newton's thoughts were adding to my frustration.

And quite suddenly, I formed the perfect plan to get Bella and Alice to stop attacking me. Two can play at that game and only one would win, which would be me of course. I knew Bella's weakness.

Distantly I heard Alice's voice say "OH CRAP!" as I decided to put my plan to action.

**OPERATION: DAZZLE BELLA**

**Oh yes, OPERATION: DAZZLE BELLA. And to kinda-qoute Bella, 'It's going to get very mess, very soon.' Ohhhhh yeah. BUWAHAHAHAA. Ermm…anyway…**


	4. Plans

**Eheh. Kinda changed the rating because of Alice…That little vampire is an evil genius O.o; An EVIL genius. **

_Bella's POV_

"What?" I asked Alice, staring at her in obvious horror. "What is it? What?"

Alice glared at her brother, "He's going to win."

"Oh really? How?" I asked, glancing at Edward who had a very suspicious smile on his face.

"Well…first he's going to kill Newton…but that's not the point…he's going to 'dazzle' you, Bella." Alice shook her head slightly at Edward. "Don't look into his eyes and you'll be fine."

My jaw dropped, "Not…eyes? No? What? That's impossible, Alice! That's INSANE! I can't even look at him then." I always looked into Edward's eyes, they were the most attractive thing about him to me. Not looking at them…well…that was going to hurt.

"Well, you're just going to have to try. This is now officially an all out war between us. We loose, we'll be utterly humiliated…well I will...not you...he loves you…But still…"

"Fine, fine. I'll do it for you, Alice." The bell rang and we both stood up, me going by Edward's side automatically.

"REMEMBER! EYE'S NO LOOKY!" Alice yelled at me as she went the opposite direction for her next class.

"Okay, okay." I glanced at Edward and then looked down, remembering I was technically banned from looking at his face.

The walk to biology was practically unbearable, I had to constantly remind myself I wasn't allowed to look at him, and I knew he knew that too. He was staring at me, waiting for me to give in. Stupid piercing eyes burning into my back.

"I'm not going to, Edward." I said, "No, no, no." I shook my head.

"Bella. This isn't about winning or losing, it isn't about anything. I just want to see your face." He said in his most alluring voice. Or second most alluring…

"That's nice Edward but I know your plan."

"Do you really?"

"No not really but no one ever goes against Alice now do they?" I said, walking into biology, managing somehow to trip over air.

Edward grabbed me before I fully hit the floor and I brushed myself off.

"Thanks, remind me to reward you with a nice piece of toast…You like TOAST right?" I asked, deliberately using the word toast.

"You're really mean."

"I love you too."

_Alice's POV_

I was hardly listening to the teacher preach. I was focused entirely on Edward and Bella. I had already seen their entire sixth period and Edward coaxing Bella on letting him get her out of gym.

Oh that son of a gun. He was going to win by the looks of it.

His brilliant plan of cozying up to Bella was working. It was WORKING. My plan was entirely infected with flaws now. Unless….

I hope Bella can flirt, she's going to need to. A lot. I shouldn't be too hard to flirt with Edward…All she has to do is blush a lot. Jasper once told me that actually turned him on…

And that's all she'd have to do, blush and flirt, blush and flirt. All she had to do was turn him all the way up. Oh that was entirely disgusting to think about…But at least it would give me a chance to sneak up behind Edward, dump Jelly all over him, and then get Jazzy to attack him with flying pieces of bread.

Instant win. And for once, my brother would loose. Loose MISERABLY. And it would be my plan that would completely embarrass him to no end and poor little Bella's influence….

Now all I needed was a giant jar of jelly and a way to get Bella back on my side.


	5. Surprise

_Alice's POV_

I skipped my last class, if Edward and Bella were skipping, well so was I. That fool wasn't going to ruin my plan this time.

I danced all the way home and bounded into Jasper, making him drop his book. He frowned at me and picked the book back up, dusting it off. "JASPERRR!" I yelled, attacking him in a giant hug.

"Hello to you too, love." I could tell he was trying to read behind my back.

"Hey, listen, Jazz, do you know where I can get a giant jar of jelly?" I asked him, tapping my chin, trying to remember stores that sold giant stuff.

"Why….?" He asked me suspiciously. He had every right to be suspicious too because even I knew that me asking for a giant jar of jelly meant trouble.

"Edward, duh! We're going to get a giant jar of jelly—"

"Wait…what do you mean by 'we' exactly? You aren't involving me in all of this are you?" Jasper stared at me, "Does it look like I want to get on Edward's bad side?"

I rolled my eyes, "Oh you aren't going to get on his bad side! All you're going to do is attack him with toasted bread. I'll do the jelly part. It'll be fun! You know you've always wanted to make Edward feel humiliated." I poked Jasper's shoulder a few times. "C'mon Jazzzyyy…Y'know you want to…."

"Fine, fine…It does sound tempting…"

"See? You'll have fun with this I promise."

_Later._

_Still Alice's POV_

"Bella? What's wrong?" Edward asked Bella. I watched in the shadows, Jasper right behind me, waiting as well. They were both outside, getting ready to sneak in, Charlie was out at La Push for the weekend.

"Nothing, never mind...I just thought I saw…it must've been someone's cat." Bella shrugged and went to open the front door.

Jasper had tracked down Bella and Edward earlier that day while they were both out to dinner. Bella had excused herself to the restroom and that's where I attacked. I had given her my plan through a piece of paper knowing that Edward would hear me if I spoke.

It was so easy. Jasper and I watched as Bella blushed and flirted, blushed and flirted. Jasper nearly died laughing. I guess it was pretty hilarious to feel your brothers sexual need.

Poor Edward, he had no idea we had jars and jars of uncapped grape jelly and a mountain of buttered toast waiting in Bella's room.

_Jasper's POV_

Edward was about to be murdered with his worst nightmare. Toast. Who would've thought that his weaknesses were sweaters and toast?

_Bella's POV_

Apparently the flirt and blush plan was working pretty well because Edward's kisses were pretty danged passionate now. Poor guy, I loved him but…seeing him in jelly and toast would be better than anything…

I opened the door to my bedroom and smiled wide. "1….2…GO!" suddenly Alice and Jasper appeared, attacking Edward with jars and jars of jelly. Edward was actually too stunned to move out of the way.

And then came the toast.

"THE TOAST IS COMING TO GET YOU EDWARD!! THE TOAST IS COMING TO GET YOUUUU!!" I yelled, rolling on the bed laughing.

Edward wiped his face free of the jelly, "Okay. Nice. Very nice…But you still haven't won yet."

Alice, Jasper, and I stopped laughing and stared at him, "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, staring at him.

"It means….that I told Rosalie that you were DYING for a shopping trip Bella and she agreed to take you, just because she's bored and wants to dress someone up, Alice will be going to except, Alice, before we go I'm dropping you off at the Dollar General and VIDEO TAPPING you buying something worth a BUCK. And Jasper….It might've slipped to Carlisle that you tampered and probably destroyed beyond repair one of his prized possessions…."

And all at once, "OH MY FREAKING FISHSTICKS I HATE YOU."

Edward smiled all smug like, "I love you guys too."

**Haha. Edward won. None of you were suspecting that, huh. Surprise ending. YAY. Burn. And at the end they actually said something ELSE…but you know…it's K+ rating guys…we're just going to pretend they did say that instead of other words….On another thing I'll probably put up what happened to them all. Sorry it was short but it had to end sometime.**


	6. Epilouge

"…_.made me realized that you were the last man in the world that I could ever be prevailed upon to marry!!" _Lizzie Bennett yelled at Mr. Darcy.

"_Forgive me…"_ Mr. Darcy said quietly, taking a step closer to Lizzie.

"HOW COULD YOU LIZZIE? HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO MR. DARCY? YOUR TRUE LOVE! HOW _DARE_ YOU!?!" a wretched screaming emitted from the poor throat of Bella swan as she threw a fairly large piece of toast at Lizzie Bennett's face on the Television screen.

Edward Cullen, her beloved vampire, her guardian angel of sorts, ran into the room. "Bella? Bella are you alright?"

"SHUT UP EDWARD!' Bella screamed, rubbing her eyes furiously as the tears fell. The movie, Pride and Prejudice, based on the book by Jane Austen was on pause, apparently the large piece of toast had landed and pressed the pause button on the remote.

"THE TOAST IS COMING TO GET YOU KEIRA! IT'S COMING TO GET YOU!!" Bella screamed again, running into the kitchen to get another piece of toast to throw at Keira's face.

Edward yelled and ran upstairs, "BELLA, SWEETIE, I THOUGHT WE GOT PASSED THIS! I THOUGHT YOU PROMISED NEVER TO HIT ME WITH TOAST AGAINN!!"

"TAKE THIS LIZZIE!" Bella threw a piece of toast from a large stack at Keira's face, unfortunately, since she had such bad aim, she missed and hit Mr. Darcy's shoulder that was in view.

Bella gasped and dropped all the toast on the floor. "OH, DARLING, I'M SO SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU!"

"It's alright, Bella, I'm fine…" Edward said, coming back downstairs now.

"I'M SORRY I HURT YOU LIKE LIZZIE DID! I LOVE YOU!" Bella sobbed.

"Bella, I love you too, but who's Lizzie?"

"LIZZIE THAT BLOODY KEIRA KNIGHTLY, I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!"

"I don't know Keira Knightly, Bella…"

Bella, quite suddenly ran up to the TV screen and hugged Mr. Darcy's shoulder view. "I love you Mr. Darcy, I'm so sorry…I love you! You can marry me!"

"….OH YEAH, SURE, YOU LET THIS DARCY GUY MARRY YOU BUT NOT ME, HUH? ME, RIGHT HERE, YOUR PRINCE CHARMING? HELLO? EDWARD CULLEN?? DON'T YOU LOVE ME? WHAT ABOUT ME? AM I CHOPPED LIVER??"

Bella muttered quietly to Mr. Darcy's shoulder view, picked up the toast, threw one at Edward to make him shut up, and then began to viciously thwack Lizzie Bennet's face until she crumpled to the ground, sobbing.

"Bella?" Edward was instantly at Bella's side, twitching and moving slightly over at the site of the nearby toast. He was still suffering from the dramatization of being hit with toast multiple times in the past week.

"I LOVE THIS MOVIEEE!!!" Bella yelled, through choked sobs, "…But I hate idiot Lizzie." She said, and with her anger returned beat the TV with the toast again.

"I'll be upstaiirsss…." Edward said, realizing that Bella was far from communication.

"DIE! DIE DIE DIEEEE!!!! DIE YOU LIZZIE!! DIIIEEEEEEE!!!" She screamed.

**Authors Note:// After deciding that I shall hit Keira Knightly's giant floating head when it appears on my TV screen when she yells at Mr. Darcy when I get the Pride and Prejuidice movie….this was born.//:End Authors Note**


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors Note;**

**Do you, or don't you want an FAQ for the Toast Attack?**

**If yes, please review saying so or just email me. –pokes profile page-**

…**and y'know….send questions….**


	8. FAQ

**FAQ**

_Will there be a "The Toast Attack" sequel?_

**Uh-huh. The title will be "The Ham Attack" and will be updated on Wednesday and or Saturday and will uploaded around the same time as the Mini WTI**

_Why Supercalifragilisticexpalidocius?_

**It's my favorite song. :D**

_WHY DID EDWARD WIN??? WHYYY???_

**He wasn't, actually, and in truth he really didn't but…He won because you thought he wouldn't. He really did lose because he is now permanently afraid of toast and will forever shall be in all of my stories…Yes, event he serious ones.**

…_..Hi._

**HI! **

…_.I don't like Toast._

**-GASP- MEAAANNNIIEEE!!! –throws toast with butter on it at your face-**

_How long will the sequel be if any?_

**Hopefully much longer than The Toast Attack and better well planned out, as well as written.**

_Will the sequel have a sequel (like a trilogy)?_

**Umm….I have no idea. Perhaps, but I would assume that if I ever did more of it that I would turn to other characters such as Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice….Carlisle….-shifty eyes-**

_Who's point of view will this be in, Bella's or multiple characters?_

**Bella. **

_OMG._

…**.WE'RE STARTING A REVOLUTION PEOPLE NO MORE OMG! YOU MUST SAY OMC. WHY? Because OMC Oh My Carlisle, because Carlisle created the angel Edward, and God (for you religious people) creats Angels, therefore making Carlisle God in Twilight Land. –nodnod-**

**Kay. That's it because no one really asked a question…SOO I had to emmmprroooviiiiisseee (Improvise)**


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